the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
