It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
