My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
