whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
