The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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