we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
