i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
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