just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
