I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
