Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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