i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize