Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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