My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
