According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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