who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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