IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize