I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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