summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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