My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize