I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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