If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
