My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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