I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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