Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
wanna go halves on a baby?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
