Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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