There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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