New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
