Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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