i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
