Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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