We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
