She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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