I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
