And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
