It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize