You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Randomize
