then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
