Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize