I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
