The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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