you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
