what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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