Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
