remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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