im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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