I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize