I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i think my cat just said my name.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
