i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I pour the whiskey from now on
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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