Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it hurts more in the daytime
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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