Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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