How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize