I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
