he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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