so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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