i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
